Jowanza Joseph

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Burnout

El Ordeño, Arturo Michelena, 1892

El Ordeño, Arturo Michelena, 1892

For a long time, I prided myself on my ability to do more. To take on a new challenge, to volunteer for another task, to offer help to someone, to write more blog posts, to pick up a new instrument or a new hobby. I spent my time this way because it helped me to grow, gave me a new perspective, looked good on a resume or would help someone else. This has never been a problem for me. Despite all I wanted to do, I would let things naturally flow up the priority list and back down based on what was needed. This year that all changed. 

Early in February. I was promoted to a position I've had my eye on for a long time. It was great because I would be able to have wider influence while still being able to write code and contribute technically. The initial transition required a lot of time and thought and took a lot of my leisure time. Despite leaving work at a reasonable hour, I would find the time I would use for writing or school taken up by thinking about work. 

It seemed natural to me to have work take more of my mental energy, and I just assumed it would wind down and I would be able to think about my book, my blog, my photography and other things in short order. As the weeks went by, this didn't happen at all. I started falling behind in school, I found myself unable to write when I had chunks of time and my other civic responsibilities started being neglected as well. 

At the end of March, my wife and I suffered a tragic loss. During this time, I was busy with work, preparing conference talks, trying to write some blogs in preparation for my book launch and I never really had the mental or emotional reserves to process the loss. I was getting used to my new job and hoped that I had my opportunity to get back on top of everything. Despite my best efforts I never got back into my cadence. 

Apple noticed my Blogs RSS feed has been empty for months.

Apple noticed my Blogs RSS feed has been empty for months.

 

Flash forward to last week, I found myself feeling constantly dizzy with neck pains and headaches.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I tried resting more, taking Advil, stretching and playing NBA 2k18. I had a looming deadline for school, a blog post to finish up, a talk for Open West to complete and my job to do. I talked to my wife about my constant dizziness and she recommended seeing a doctor but thought it might be stress and suggested I just take some time away from everything. On her advice, I took an afternoon to go see Avengers: Infinity War. I had 2 hours to just enjoy a movie and I got myself a candy bar on my way home (I didn't want to overpay for one at the theatres). 

I spent last weekend in a state of "self-care." I spent a lot of time with my wife and our daughter, spent a long time at the gym, ate good food and caught up on TV and movies. By Monday I was motivated to work on an old blog post I started and stopped many times. My dizziness and neck pain was gone and I felt normal again. 

I'm trying to find a new rhythm. One where I can do all the things I love but not feel mentally drained. I'm not sure how long it will take but it felt good to get this out there.

 

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